Today is Mother’s day! To all the lovely mothers and mother figures who are doing a marvellous job of raising the next generation, Happy Mother’s Day✨. Recently, I re-read a post I wrote on my first mother’s day as a mum, circa ten years ago. It was quite emotional and took me on a trip down the memory lane of my motherhood journey till date. What an experience it has been… full of highs and lows, laughter and tears, certainties and fears, rewards and just deserts, joy and pain.

The mixture of joy and pain is evident in the entire journey of motherhood. In fact from the very start, the birthing of a child, the joy of anticipation is entwined with the pain of labour. Mary, the mother of Jesus, experienced this mixture. In Luke 1:46-55, she rejoiced in God and the great honour He had given her. But it wasn’t all smooth sailing, for shortly after Jesus was born, she received a prophecy that, among other things, because of Jesus’ mission on Earth, a sword will pierce her very soul (Luke 2:35b). She witnessed the joyful miracle of the wine and the more painful miracle of the blood. She was there from the beginning of His humanly journey to the very end, the sword piercing her heart as the spear pierced Jesus’ side.

Pain and joy are two sides of the coin of motherhood. As such, in line with Philippians 4:11-13, I’m gradually learning in “whatever situation I am to be content. I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me” (ESV). There will be joys and pains, but in all, Christ is constant.

I would like to share how I have navigated mothering through joys and pain, and I hope this will be a blessing to someone. I am very close to my children and this closeness is mutual (don’t worry I’m not just assuming, I asked them, and trust me, they can be brutally honest). I hope it stays that way throughout our lives, but in the meantime, I’m grateful for it. Part of this closeness means that just as they involve me in their joys and pains, I can also involve them in my joys and pains, in an age-appropriate way (a very important consideration). I celebrate the joyful moments with them and ride through the painful ones. This is what Romans 12:15 enjoins us to do, to “rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.”

I remember when I was studying for a qualification, and I had to write lots of exams. I would let my kids know when I had an exam coming up and couldn’t play as much as I would like to. Conversely, when I passed an exam, I would celebrate with them – maybe with a cake, going out for a treat, or for an activity we would all enjoy. One day, some days after I had finished an exam and was basking in the post-exam/pre-result freedom, we were having dinner and my older son suddenly put down his fork and said “it’s been some days since mummy finished her exam, let’s all give her a round of applause.” And so they did. It was a completely unexpected but sweet moment for me. Celebrating the good times is vital as it allows us bask in God’s goodness, and also gives us pleasant memories to carry us through the coming periods of pain.

And so it came to pass that I recently had to go through a period of pain. After personally processing it and praying about it, I shared what had happened and what it entailed with my kids. I did this in a way that I believed they would understand, factoring in their ages and maturity levels. They had a lot of questions, which I tried to answer as best as I could. They were very curious about the treatment and I tried to help them understand in various ways. For instance, thanks to the very kind staff at the hospital, they were able to watch me undergo some aspects of my treatment, such as watching the radiation machine in action from the control room. Having some level of understanding of the process made it much less scary for them. I realised that sometimes it is the unknown that scares kids more. Also, some of their questions and comments were really thought provoking and inspiring. Even the way they prayed boosted my faith. In all of it, their love and concern shone through. They walked with me along this journey, and I with them.

I’ve previously shared the sticker story before, which was one of the sweetest things that happened to me during this period, but I’ll share it again in this post. My 7-year old had his flu vaccine and he got a sticker afterwards for being brave. When he came home that evening, he removed the sticker from his shirt, stuck it on mine and said, “You can have it mummy, you deserve it more because you’ve been braver than me.” I nearly cried, and that is now my new favourite sticker ever.

I have to admit that it wasn’t all sweetness and snuggles, even though there were loads of those. I still had to be their mum. It was one role I kept even when I had to drop others, and in some ways, it was the most challenging. Mothering them meant dealing with the demanding bits as well… being there for them when they were upset about something, making sure they did their homework, getting them up and ready for school, sorting out meals, disciplining them, settling arguments, dealing with tantrums, calling out wrong behaviour (without overlooking good behaviour) etc. Periods of pain don’t necessarily give you a get-out-of-mothering-free card. I am grateful that, thanks to God’s love for me, prayers and the loving support of the communities we are part of, I had a support system that in turn allowed me to support them.

There were things I was not able to do though – a big one being the school run, or taking them to some events and activities that I would ordinarily have done. The dreaded mum guilt kicked in. However, I couldn’t wallow in that guilt on top of everything else, and I had to learn to let go of it. Hebrews 12:1 tells us to lay aside every weight that holds us down, and guilt can be one such weight. I knew that I loved them and that would never change. This is something I remind them of every single day. I want them to be confident in that love and not doubt it because of circumstances. This way, they could understand that when I was not playing with them like I previously did, it was not because I stopped loving them or did not want to play with them. It was because I was unable to. This meant we swapped football and tag for shorter easier games I could manage – board games and word games. I also learnt a whole lot about football during this period, I just couldn’t practice any skills! Another thing I needed to do to get rid of the guilt was to acknowledge that given the circumstances, I was doing the best I could. There were days that my best was just surviving the day, which I admit is a pretty low bar, but gradually I learnt to accept that.

However, just as painful contractions during labour are interspersed with periods of respite, there will also be such respite moments during the painful periods. Hold on to such breathers. Sometimes the kids and I would play a song and just dance together, even if I had to sit down partway. Our dancing may not have landed us a spot in Strictly, but it brought joy, and made the pain just that bit more bearable.

One thing that is vital to me is practicing what I preach. I don’t want mothering to be a “do as I say, don’t do as I do” situation. I will be the first to admit that it is hard, even on a normal day, but more so in the pain. Romans 7:19 (NLT) captures this age old struggle “I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway.” As C.S Lewis states, “No man knows how bad he is till he has tried very hard to be good.” However, what I have tried to do is to show them that we can continue to trust and praise God even during difficult situations, “for the God of the mountain, is the God in the valley”, as the song goes. I pray that they will learn to do so too, that even when the storms of life come, they will have an unshakeable faith and trust in God. Richard Cecil notes that “in the midst of sorrow, faith draws the sting out of every trouble, and takes out the bitterness from every affliction.” I pray that irrespective of what happens, my children will set their faces like flints, determined to do God’s will (Isaiah 50:7).  Practical actions we take to strengthen our faith include listening to/singing praise songs to God, praying together, sharing God’s word, fellowshipping together with others, and listening to testimonies of what God has done for others. My hope is that this fills them with awe for the God we serve, and a consciousness of the mighty works of a mighty God.

Most people want to add value, to be useful, and this applies to children as well. There is a certain joy that comes from adding value to the life of another. Giving my children the chance to experience this blessing was one positive aspect of this period. I let the kids start carrying out some chores I used to do such as washing up dinner dishes, getting more involved in preparing meals, etc. Yes there were times I had to remind them to do their chores, or ask them to re-wash a dish, but on the whole, they were proud of themselves when they did something that needed doing. As part of a family, they learnt not just to be served, but to serve.

One of the most positive aspects of this period of pain was the lesson my children learnt on the value and power of community. They were able to see a loving community in action, and how much that meant to us as a family. I regularly remind them that even as they grow up, they should remember how they were blessed by our family and communities – friends, church, neighbours etc. As such, they should go and do likewise, to be blessings wherever they find themselves, to be the ones God uses to showcase His love to those who clearly need it. A famous proverb says “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” I pray that they won’t just want to go fast, but that they will go far.

Mothering for me is something I try my best to be intentional about, just as I would be if God called me to any other mission field. This is because in a sense, as a mother, my children are my mission field. However, when in pain, working on the fields can be tough. I found mothering even harder during this time, and I learnt to ask God for parenting help a whole lot more than I had done in the past. I’m learning to go beyond ‘just winging it’, or reading parenting books, articles or attending parenting courses. Crucially, I’m learning to rely more on God’s guidance. If there is anyone who knows my kids better than I do, it is God. As such, His guidance is tailor-made for my kids. He knows me best, He knows my struggles, my strengths, my weaknesses, everything. Significant improvements in my prayer life during this period have meant that I’m praying a lot more for my children, and for wisdom to parent them in a way that glorifies God.

While we now view Mothering Sunday as a day to celebrate mothers, apparently that was not the original purpose of the day. It was a day when people returned to their mother churches, i.e. the churches they were baptised into. Inevitably, this made me think of the people who have sadly left church, i.e. the Christian faith and are yet to return. It can be heart breaking when a child brought up in the way of the Lord decides to depart from it, and sometimes I struggle to understand why this happens. I don’t think there is a formula to ensure our kids never leave the faith, and I can only say ‘there but for the grace of God go I.’ However, what I have learnt from parents whose children have grown up and stayed in the church is the importance of involving children in church life.

This means not just attending Sunday school, kids groups or weekends away, but serving, experiencing the joy of being the hands and feet of Jesus; witnessing faith being lived out practically even in tough times; seeing their parents/care-givers/mentors practicing what they preach; and recognising that as a member of the Body of Christ, they are a very useful part of something bigger. It means knowing without a doubt that they are precious to God and so loved by Him, and that He trusts them to be part of His mission on Earth. I hope and pray that my children are able to experience and live this out. In the meantime, I will do my very best, through God’s help, enabling grace and wisdom, to nurture the wonderful children He has deemed it fit to gift me with.

I’ll wrap up this post with some very special mentions. Firstly to my amazing mother – a true blessing in every sense of the word, a woman who has taught me so much and enabled me to witness Christianity in action over and over and over again – thank you so much. To all the wonderful women who have been mother figures in my life, women who have blessed me with their kindness, support and wisdom, thank you. To all those struggling with mothering through pain, I pray that your morning comes soon, and with it, joy in abundance. To those who need to return to church and to your first love, Jesus, it is not too late… as long as there is breath in your lungs, welcoming arms are waiting for you.

To all mothers, mother figures (and fathers too), may God give us the wisdom to parent our children in ways that please Him. May they not bring grief to our hearts or shame to our bones. Instead may our children be blessings that enrich lives with God’s love, joy, peace, wisdom, wealth; children that cause God to declare, ‘these are my beloved children, I am well pleased with them.’

Image source here.

And the soundtrack to this post is an oldie but goodie: ‘Sweet Mother’ by Prince Nico Mbarga.