Well, well, well. The last 24 hours have been quite something. In fact, this entire year has been quite something to say the least. There have been intense valley experiences and intense mountain experiences. So much has happened… from dealing with disappointments by the dozen, to going through periods where I was not sure I had the strength to keep going, to keep believing, to keep on keeping on. I’ve had to trust God like never before because honestly, I did not really have an option. In all this though, God kept me going, and I kept moving.

Fast forward to the last couple of days, things had been quite stressful – I was dealing with being unwell and trying to manage other issues which really needed fixing around the house. These were issues that were causing a lot of stress but could not be resolved until the new year, as the people who were to sort it out were understandably enjoying their Christmas break. However in the midst of this, I had something to look forward to, I had booked a much needed break for the kids and I, and we were looking forward to a trip to sunnier climes!

Then yesterday arrived. Holiday time, whoop, whoop! But one thing led to another and long story short, we missed our flight. As I stood there in the airport, watching the plane load from the window, but being firmly told that the boarding gate was closed and we could no longer board the plane, I could feel my heart crumbling. My pleas to still board fell on deaf ears. They had to have a cut off and I had missed it. It was my fault. Incidentally, for the last few flights I had taken, I had been early but the flights all ended up being delayed. Then this one time when I was a bit late, they were strict and bang on time. Life! The flights, hotel etc for the holiday were non-refundable, and there were no other flights leaving to my destination that day, or even the next day. I prayed and prayed, but long story short, I ended up having to go back to the house I felt I desperately needed a break from. It had been such a tough year in so many ways, and I really felt that this break would have been good for us, but no, even that had just been snatched away.

On the way home, the sadness I felt was deep. It felt like one more thing added to a pot of disappointments that was finally causing it to overflow. I kept trying to remind myself of Romans 8:28, that all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose; of 1 Thessalonians 5:18, to give thanks in every situation; of the fact that I had been through far worse and survived, but the truth was, I just had this overwhelming sense of sadness and disappointment, with tears flowing even. I thanked God, as the Bible instructs us to do so in all things, but my thanks felt hollow. It was not heartfelt gratitude at all.

Thoughts started coming to my mind, thoughts that many of the things I had been praying for that had not really come to pass, despite praying every single day for years. I began to wonder if God was really listening to me, or if I was on my own, ‘OYO’, as they say in Nigeria. In that moment, I could feel myself slipping into a place that was only going to lead to a further downward spiral into doubt and hopelessness. I needed to get out fast, but honestly, I wasn’t even in the mood to pull myself out.

 In the end, I found comfort in reading and praying Psalm 86 (NLT), a Psalm of David.

¹ Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;
    answer me, for I need your help.
² Protect me, for I am devoted to you.
    Save me, for I serve you and trust you.
    You are my God.
³ Be merciful to me, O Lord,
    for I am calling on you constantly.
⁴ Give me happiness, O Lord,
    for I give myself to you.
⁵ O Lord, you are so good, so ready to forgive,
    so full of unfailing love for all who ask for your help.
⁶ Listen closely to my prayer, O Lord;
    hear my urgent cry.
⁷ I will call to you whenever I’m in trouble,
    and you will answer me.

⁸ No pagan god is like you, O Lord.
    None can do what you do!
⁹ All the nations you made
    will come and bow before you, Lord;
    they will praise your holy name.
¹⁰ For you are great and perform wonderful deeds.
    You alone are God.

¹¹ Teach me your ways, O Lord,
    that I may live according to your truth!
Grant me purity of heart,
    so that I may honour you.
¹² With all my heart I will praise you, O Lord my God.
    I will give glory to your name forever,
¹³ for your love for me is very great.
    You have rescued me from the depths of death.

¹⁴ O God, insolent people rise up against me;
    a violent gang is trying to kill me.
    You mean nothing to them.
¹⁵ But you, O Lord,
    are a God of compassion and mercy,
slow to get angry
    and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
¹⁶ Look down and have mercy on me.
    Give your strength to your servant;
    save me, the son of your servant.
¹⁷ Send me a sign of your favour.
    Then those who hate me will be put to shame,
    for you, O Lord, help and comfort me.

There is so much about this Psalm that is encouraging. It truly reminds me of the nature of the God I serve and why He is worth trusting. The very first verse brings to mind the image of a loving Father bending down, putting His ear next to the lips of His children, so that He can hear us better. The subsequent verses buttress the fact that God is not just ‘a God’, but ‘my God’. I have a personal relationship with Him. And He is a God that is so good, so merciful, so willing to forgive, so kind, so compassionate. A God that is mighty, that performs wonderful deeds, that rescues and saves His people. A God that does not need an assistant god. He is God alone, and there is NO OTHER GOD like HIM. He is a God that fights great battles with His mighty arm, and He is also a God that comforts and cradles His little children with His gentle arm.

In addition, I kept praying the first line of verse 17, “send me a sign of your favour”, also translated as “show me a token for good” (KJV), “show me a sign of your goodness” (BSB), “show that you approve of me” (CEV). Honestly, I really needed it.

When I got home, I couldn’t really go to my room and just be by myself, as my two kids were also sad and disappointed. And I was the only adult. Ah, adulting can be tough sometimes. There are times when you really just want to have a time out, but the realisation that you are responsible for other people hits. Which means your need for a time out will just have to wait. In the end, we had some hot chocolate and a selection of treats to cheer us up. After that, they played a board game, while I planned what to do next. I tried to sleep but even though I was so tired, thanks to packing late into the night and waking up early, I could not seem to sleep. At some point my kids climbed into my bed and we had a sweet family cuddle. I was proud of them for how well they had handled the disappointment. Even though they had been so excited about the trip, nobody threw a tantrum or went on a moan fest. They accepted the situation as gracefully as they could. At bed time, they mentioned that by this time we would have been at our holiday destination, but it wasn’t said with bitterness or tears. It was more a thought that they expressed out loud. And I was truly grateful for how they handled it. Eventually, we all went to sleep, not where we had hoped we would be spending the night, but at least we had somewhere to sleep.

I woke up this morning hoping to make the best out of the first day of the non-holiday. I prayed and was doing some writing before the kids got up. Next thing I knew, I had a seizure (thankfully not a very serious one). As if that wasn’t enough, shortly afterwards I received a rejection email (writing related), even though I had prayed for a favourable response. Then I received another last minute let down message.

To be honest, all these incidents did not exactly feel like tokens for good. Neither were they hope-stirring incidents. But I realised something, these incidents wanted to pull me away from a position of rest in God, and I needed to do everything possible to stay in that place of rest. Ultimately this meant choosing to hold on to the belief that God has the full picture and I don’t. And the confidence that my life is in His hands. Sometimes tokens for good don’t come in the way we expect them to. As such, I will continue to wait patiently and actively for God’s timing, while learning some valuable lessons in the process.

Sylvester Stallone once said, “I take rejection as someone blowing a bugle in my ear to wake me up and get going, rather than retreat.” While I do like this perspective, I’ve also realised that it’s okay to take some time after a rejection to get yourself together before you get going again, much like you may not necessarily jump out of bed when your alarm first rings in the morning. That said, it’s probably best not to take too long… you don’t want to be late and miss out on opportunities that may await!

You’ve probably heard the saying, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” However, sometimes it may feel like even the window is refusing to open. Still, we can trust that God is at work opening better or more suitable doors further down the corridor. If we keep walking with Him, He will keep working on us till we get to those doors. And when we do get to them, we may realise that we were not even ready for the earlier doors, but thanks to His steadfast work in us, as we get to the new doors, the story will have changed. But in the meantime, while waiting for other doors to be open, we can “praise Him in the hallway.”

And so, as I reflect on the past year, I have decided that my backward glance will be coated in an attitude of gratitude. I may have had many challenges, but I also had many blessings. At the end of 2022, I had just finished radiotherapy to treat a brain tumour that had been steadily growing. At a point, I could barely walk, and I was having multiple seizures on a daily basis. I had to take time off work. Not only that, a lot of things that I had previously done with ease, almost without thinking, became challenges. Being a solo parent with no family in the same city is hard on a normal day, but it became even harder.

This year, by God’s grace, I’m in a much better place. I had been praying for the brain tumour to disappear completely and for my scans to show no trace of the tumour. While that didn’t happen the way I hoped, my last scan showed that the tumour had shrunk, compared to last year. That in itself is pretty amazing, given that I did not end up doing chemotherapy, and have had no further treatment at all this year. The frequency of seizures has also reduced, praise God! Also, I am still alive, still here, still standing!

I had hoped to move out of my current house for various reasons, but I’m still here. However, being here means I have a really lovely neighbour on the same street, and I’m grateful for that. People I hoped would show up didn’t, but people I didn’t expect to show up did. I have experienced so much kindness from so many people. One lovely lady in my church has been so consistent in showing me God’s love, it honestly blows my mind.

I went back to work this year, and although in some ways it was hard and it took a while for me to get my mojo back, I am grateful for the support I received. I may not have my biological family nearby, but I do have my church family, who I am eternally grateful for. I even have an extended church family too! Also, thanks to the wonders of technology, I can talk to my family anytime, even though they are based in different countries and cities. I am blessed to have a praying and encouraging mum, who has been a virtual shoulder to lean on during some really tough moments. I am blessed to have so many people praying for me, and friends who are like family. I can walk a lot more now, and no longer need the kind of hefty support I needed towards the end of last year, when I couldn’t even so much as do the school run. Still, I remain ever grateful that I had that support when it was really needed.

The most important blessing of this year though has been in my walk with God. I have felt closer to God than ever before. God knows I have really needed the continuous reassurance of His presence, and thankfully, I have truly felt that reassurance this year. My prayer life has considerably improved, and I am learning to listen to God more. Intimacy with God is truly beautiful. I am getting closer and closer to that point where my trust in God “is without borders”, as the song Oceans says. I wrote more this year than I have written in the seven years since I started blogging. I made a commitment to publish at least two blog posts every month, and I thank God that I have managed to do so. One month I even published six posts! Each time I write a post, I do an in-depth reflection and study of what God’s word has to say on a particular topic, so this also means that I have done a lot more in-depth studying, meditating and reflecting on God’s word, beyond my usual daily Bible readings. By God’s grace, I also finished a project which had been relegated to the back burner for a long time.

In all these, I celebrate God’s faithfulness and this time around, my gratitude is truly heartfelt. I love these lines in the song Too faithful by Moses Bliss, “God You’re too faithful to fail me, You’re too faithful to disappoint me, You’ve proven Yourself in my life, And I’ve come to realize, You’re too faithful to fail me.” As 2 Timothy 2:13 (ESV) says, “if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.”

Ultimately, God cannot deny who He is. He is who He says He is, and He keeps His promises, every single one of them. The consistency of His character is truly worth celebrating, holding onto and hoping in. We may encounter ups and downs, storms and calm seas, mountains and valleys, but God is constantly present and faithful through all. And so, it is with this consciousness of His faithfulness that I look forward to 2024. It is on this premise that I continue to trust Him for a much better year ahead.

I pray that you are also able to find reasons to thank God for 2023, moments that brought you joy, and that you continue to trust God in the coming year. I wish us all a blessed, peaceful and bountiful 2024 ahead, and may we continue to walk in step with God’s will for our lives in the year ahead. Amen.

Image source: My son 🙂