Have you noticed that in the midst of pitch darkness, we are more inclined to notice the small sources of light we would otherwise ignore – the flame of a candle flickering in the corner, a firefly, the light of a small torch, a low watt bulb? Similarly, in the midst of a dark and challenging time, there is usually a kind person, a kindness somewhere. No matter how small it is, if we purpose in our heart to do so, we can be more inclined to look out for this source of kindness, notice it, dwell on it, and give thanks for it.

When we are going through tough times, as human beings it is natural to have certain expectations of people in our lives. However, life and the people in it can surprise us, in amazing thoughtful ways, as well as in ways that are tough to swallow. In such times, when tempted to wallow in the sting of betrayal, we can incline our hearts instead to pause and dwell on the pleasant surprises, the unexpected acts of kindness.

I remember a prayer someone once made, that God will bring the right people into my life and remove the people that didn’t need to be in my life then (Not remove in a sinister way though!). I reflected on that prayer for a while afterwards. That prayer helped me see both the people who were present and the ones who were absent as answered prayers. I realise that may not fully eliminate the sting of the radio silence from the absentees. Nevertheless, that silence can be just what we need to hear God’s voice. If we are able to focus on the latter, we will be most satisfied, for the sound of God’s voice is the most beautiful way to break the silence.

Another thing that helped me navigate this is giving people the benefit of doubt. People can be fighting tough private battles that we have no clue about, and they may not be ready to share those battles with us. This could be what considerably limits their ability to show up in the way they would like to. Not everything is as it may seem with our own limited view point. Remember the story of Elijah in 1 Kings 19 when Elijah thought he was the only prophet of God left, and God let him know that he was not alone. There were others who had been loyal to God that Elijah either did not know of or had forgotten about. When tempted to dwell on the hurt of absent friends, the best thing we can do is to pray for them in such moments, and pray for ourselves also, that God will empty the stream of bitterness we feel and replace it with wells of kindness.

That being said, I think it is important to be honest with ourselves as well. Depending on our relationship with such people, we can share our feelings with them. There are two things we need to be mindful of before sharing our feelings though. One is that we do so when we are void of bitterness, when God has worked on us and helped us overcome those feelings. The other is that we are in a state of mind where we can communicate our feelings in a way that truly reflects the absence of bitterness, and shows that we have indeed made peace with the situation.

It is okay if we struggle to continue a relationship or friendship at the same level afterwards. As long as we know in our hearts that we don’t hold our pain against someone, and that we can trust God to give us the grace to be there for them should they ever need it. Even if they weren’t there for us. I know there were people I received incredible kindness from, and I don’t think I had ever given anywhere near the same level of kindness to them prior to that. With God, it is not necessarily ‘scratch my back, I scratch your back’. It can be scratch A’s back, A will scratch B’s back, B will scratch C’s back, and D will scratch your back. Our role is to dwell on the noble, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy things (Philippians 4:8-9), of which kindness is one, and to be the kind one when God asks us to do so (Luke 6:27-36).

I remember recently re-reading the story of Joseph’s brothers selling him into slavery. A lot of times, when the story is told, the headline is that Joseph’s brothers sold him into slavery. However, there was a kind one, Reuben. Genesis 37:21-22 (NLT) tells us that “But when Reuben heard of their scheme, he came to Joseph’s rescue. “Let’s not kill him,” he said. “Why should we shed any blood? Let’s just throw him into this empty cistern here in the wilderness. Then he’ll die without our laying a hand on him.” Reuben was secretly planning to rescue Joseph and return him to his father.” He is often overlooked or lumped together with the unkind brothers, but it is important that we refrain from doing so, that we are conscious of the Reubens in our life, the ones who may have even gone out of their way to be kind to us. Look for the Reuben in your life, and be the Reuben in the lives of others around you – the one who stands up against evil and shows kindness.

Bob Kerrey notes that “unexpected kindness is the most powerful, least costly, and most underrated agent of human change”. And as Van der Kolk puts it, “our capacity to destroy one another is matched by our capacity to heal one another. Restoring relationships and community is central to restoring wellbeing.”

Of course, our most important authority is scripture, and the Bible implores us to be kind. Ephesians 4:32 tells us to “Instead, be kind to each other, tender hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Colossians 3:12 (ESV) says “Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience”. 1 Corinthians 13:4 reminds us that “Love is patient and kind”. God is love and He has called us to walk in love. As Charles Stanley states “Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him.” We can walk in love and be kind even to people who have been unkind to us, and according to the world’s standards, deserve a good dollop of unkindness in return. But as Christians, we don’t walk by the world’s standards, we walk by God’s standards. “But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing in return, and your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, for he is kind to the ungrateful and the evil” (Luke 6:35, BSB). We can either let God use us to shine our lights of kindness, or let the devil use us to enhance darkness in our communities. There really is no neutral ground.

That being said, the most important thing we can do, even when doing acts of kindness, is to listen to God’s voice and direction. Not every seeming act of kindness is really a kindness. That lesson is illustrated intensely in 1 Kings 13, which tells us the story of the old prophet and the young prophet. Discernment and obedience to the voice of God is always, always, always crucial.

I pray that as we reflect on this, God will show us ways in which we can be the kind one to those around us. May we respond to God’s call, no matter how hard it may seem, for without fail, there is a blessing waiting. I pray that we will also focus more on the kindness we have received. When we are tempted to think that there is no kind one, may God remind us of the kind ones, and the ways in which we have been recipients of kindness, no matter how small. As we do so, may bubbles of gratitude begin to bubble up inside us, replacing pity parties with joy parties. In so doing, may we ‘put off the garment of despair and put on the garment of praise’*, and experience the overflowing, ever-present joy which God, the giver of ALL good gifts, has so generously blessed us with!

*Isaiah 61:3

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